Tonight marks the last night that my mother is 29 years old.  That is right, my mother turns the big 3-0 tomorrow.  No, no, no!  Stop doing the math!  Okay, Mom is not turning 30.  She is turning               .  Ha ha!  Thought I was going to post it.  No, mom raised me smart-like!  Let’s just say Mom was born somewhere after electricity being invented and before the new iPad came out. 

After the post for Father’s Day, Mom requested a post in her honor.  For all you bloggers out there, these things cannot be requested, they simply come, and Mother’s Day is a long way away (which would have given me reflection time).  But…since she is not getting a day at Sephora, I will publicly post some of her words of wisdom that              years of life have given her.   

There really is too much, and like with the Father’s Day post, I am more likely going to remember the things she tells me on a regular basis and the nuggets of wisdom that are more relevant to my life right now.  Mom gets a lot of frantic calls from me in need of advice.  She is Mom.  If you are a mother, reading this post with small children, keep in mind that the “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom…MOM, MOOOOOMMMMMMM, Mah, Mah, Momma,” really never ends, it just turns into voicemails that sound something like, “Mom, where are you and why aren’t  you picking up the phone?  Gah, your cell phone is as useful as a baked potato on your person, I swear.  Well, if you ever do check your voicemail, I just wanted to tell you about my insane day.  Sigh….omigosh, I’m so tired.  You know what?  I’m just really tired right now.  I feel like I could fall asleep.  I need a vacation.  I really do.   Let’s go to Disneyland and Vegas.  Just go.  I’m going to pickup groceries before going home.  I want fruit.  Omigod!  I found the most delicious fruit!  I wish I could send it to you.  What was it called?  Dammit, of course, now I can’t remember.  It was like an apricot/plum hybrid, but not a pluot.  They were only $4.99/lb.  Geez, everything is so expensive.  Still want a vacation, though.  Well, call me! Luv ya, bye!” 

So the following are a few things Mom says that stick with me because she says them all the time.

“You have to understand.  Men are stupid.”

This is a true statement.  Thanks, Mom!  What Mom means (most of the time) is that men truly are wired differently, and they are “stupid” when it comes to the completely rational and understandable words and actions of women.  We can’t expect men to read our minds or understand our thought processes because theirs are different.  And this goes both ways.  Even though I am way more blunt and straightforward than a lot of women, I still don’t understand guys even though I refrain from games.  I thought communication was key in any relationship.  Just talk it out, and figure out what he is thinking, but that not always works.  Sometimes it makes it much, much worse, and then I remember.  Men are stupid. 

“Because I’m the Mom.”

Wow.  I’ll take years of poop, messes, screaming, stickiness, bills, homework, arguments, boos boos, sleepless nights and tantrums to be able to use that phrase with my adult children.  What Mom says goes.  The end.  Mom is all-powerful.  She is Queen.  As Bill Cosby said, “I’ve seen that job, and I don’t want it” now Mom experiences some of the pleasantries.  She really can say whatever she wants because I’m mature enough now to be respectful.  Mom dragged me everywhere as a kid.  She endured numerous birthdays of mud pies and crayon marks for birthday presents.   I was not respectful.  I made scenes, I cried for constant attention, I never brushed my hair, loved dirt and ate everything in sight.   When I got older, I would say I was a nerd, but I wasn’t really good at math, so more of a dork.  With Mom I was a total snot.  I even pleaded (successfully) for her to both finance and attend…uh….boy band concerts.  I know, I know, that was tough on Mom.  (Disclaimer:  That was a fetish of a 13-year-old me, and I have since killed her.)   So, I was sewn at her hip or locked in my room, but she was always there for me.  Through fights, through disease and growing up.  Because she is my mother.  And now Mom is always right.  Because she’s the Mom.

“You know what I found?”

Okay, usually this question is answered with a cookie cutter, but I still consider it words of wisdom, even though it interrupts me all the time.  Why?  Because it reminds me to take joy in discovery.  In everything.  In baking, in driving and seeing new things, in reading, in weird hybrid fruit.  Mom and I now commonly use this interjection, and when I see something new, I think of Mom.

“Get that fixed!  Right now!”

This pertains to everything really.  My car, my bills and my health.  She is Mom, so she worries about me.  Sometimes I wonder what scenarios go through her head when she lists all the things that need to be done immediately.  I think her fear, and something she really thinks is going to happen, is that my  tire will not only go flat but explode, I will over correct and drive 95 miles per hour into a ditch.  I get out of the car, but then I don’t have a seizure, I have some weird unnamed metabolic and neurological disease (that went undetected because I didn’t ask the right questions at my last doctors’ appointments) causing both my arms to spontaneously fall off, so I can’t dial the phone to call her and tell her that if only I had weekly doctors’ appointments and took my car in every month, I wouldn’t literally be stuck in a ditch, armless and without transportation.   Mom, no doubt, reading this blog, does not find this funny at all, because she believes,

“Hey, you never know.”

And Mom is right.  You never know what is going to happen which is both an argument for and against being prepared.  Being a responsible adult and thinking ahead is necessary.  I’ve been in freak accidents that could have been prevented with doing things on time or just thinking.  Now, this can also be a positive, and a reason to sometimes, just sometimes, throw caution to the wind and take a risk without much mental preparation.  “Hey, you never know” also made me think that maybe that guy isn’t that ridiculous, that I could enjoy a career and residential move,  and that I could get into that school.  Hey, you never know is getting me through my late 20s when everyone seems to be nesting, and I’m still on “What’s next?”

Whenever we are not talking about cheap and hollow accusations against by precious and innocent furdaughter Sydney, now in her care, we talk about work stress and my romantic life or lack thereof.  Usually, right in the middle of life revelations, she tells me the name of the new face wash she found, and all is right with the world.  Because life is not made up of daily life-altering revelations, but of little things like errands, weird fruit finds, conversations, dog hijinks and the quest for smooth skin and good recipes. 

Mom won’t tell me what to do, because she knows I have to figure it out.  This is my life, and she told me that life is full of mistakes so not to fret over every decision.  Through all of the examples Mom has given me of her life at my age, she made mistakes but she stayed true to herself.  She knew herself.  That is the goal for me.  No matter who enters my life or who exits it, I don’t lose myself in the journey.  Every year I learn something about my Mom’s journey, the life she has already led and the dreams she has for the years ahead.  The years that add up to her       st birthday, have made her the woman I have to call not only on her birthday but for everything.  I look forward to seeing and being a part of her year ahead.  Because you never know, and she’s the Mom.