Sometimes life brings you to your knees. Then it stabs you through the heart, kicks you in the stomach and then, as you fall in agony, life hits you over the head with a bat. At least this is what it feels like physically afterward.
Letting go is difficult. Of a person, a thought, a dream. An idea of happiness. The absence of that idea can be quite crushing, and letting it go can be heartbreak, pure and simple. There is more to life than what is not in it. That realization is key.
After my beating (they happen to everyone), I knew immediately that I must take stock of what is here, in my grasp. I have a man who loves me deeply, a family that has invested so much in me, and friends who care whether or not
I get beaten or not.
I can’t have the life as I dream it, at least not in all aspects. I am only human, and don’t know what’s best for me. Actually putting this realization into action is very difficult (see multiple posts on the subject). My friends are wonderful, but can’t give me the right answer. Only by letting go, and giving myself to God’s will, will I find what is best for me. Today I prayed fervently for guidance. Moments later, a small bird landed at my feet as I sat at my gate in the airport. Always comparing myself to a sparrow, this was a gentle reminder that I am being looked out for. I’m sore now, but I am going to be fine.
I have been scared before, burnt before, and I have scars to prove it. But one thing I forget when the stab hits the first time, is that I am tough. I come from a family of tough women who gave me life examples, and just when I thought I couldn’t hold in the tears of fear, anxiety and loss, I smiled. And I laughed. I was aided by what is here and now – Mom, Friends, Boyfriend, a dog and a little bird.